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The 2007 LMFZ Hall of Fame

PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:18 pm
by Drew Corleone
Notable Quotables

Drew, on what he had planned instead of St. Patty’s Day in Dallas:” I'll be in Austin0... not banging chicks.”

Kevin, on Jeremy’s proposed Valentines gift to his wife: “How on earth is Stacey supposed to iron your shirts with an ipod?”

EDavis, on the ‘spark v. compatability’ debate: “It doesn't matter....after you have been married for more that 7 years you won't have either anymore.”

Markaholic, on maturation: “Damn, we're gonna have a lot of married farts at the tailgate this year. I think the tide has turned.”

UTWiz, on Kevin’s job preventing an appearance at LM Day XXX: “Weak. A real man would slit his boss' throat . . .”

Txlonghorn47, on a certain incident, see: Barrell Roll Jackson, Legend of: “I almost knew what it felt like to be Jeremy. Except with out the piss of course.”

TheDean176, on Seth’s going-away party: “Someone should really check with Seth and make sure he doesn't have a soccer game or some other gay shit that he's involved in.”

12ozLongneck, on Eric’s travel dilemma with a potential new job: “Tell your son that you are starting to travel all the time because you are disappointed in him for playing soccer.”

12ozLongneck, on work potlucks: “One of our VPs who probably gets paid well into the six figure range brough a jar of pickles. What a cheap see you next Tuesday.”

Txlonghorn47, on the greatness of Superbad: “If you didn't like this movie then you support the Taliban.”

Mr. Peabody, on things he wishes he could do: “It would be cool to poop and not have to wipe.”

12ozLongneck, on what gets him through the day: “I spend my mornings drinking coffee until my spine vibrates like a freshly struck tuning fork.”

BevoisaSoxFan: “There are times when I watch old replays of VY that I think that God has chunks of Vince Young in his stool. Amazing.”

Bucharest, on Bert’s burning down: “Saw that last night.....I shed a tear, and I think a few of my arteries unclogged....either way, a sad moment for sure.”

Makaveli: “If you like movies about mythical creatures, and are easily enticed by promises of mythical creatures in movies, then you may like Pan's Labyrinth, but not because of mythical creatures, and not for any other reason that I can explain.”

12ozLongneck, on strange lights appearing in the Phoenix area: “The aliens know that Evan is willing and ready to accept their anal probes.”

BevoisaSoxFan, on Anna Nicole Smith’s demise: “Not to be morbid but a buddy of mine had her in a Death Pool and he's pretty stoked right now.”

Mr. Peabody, during the Oscars: “I have not seen Pan's Labyrinth yet. Based on seeing spots of it tonight, I believe Robert is liar. I've seen evidence of mythical creatures.”

12ozLongneck, during the Oscars: “Holy shit. Phillip Seymour Hoffman looks like he's been on a 3 day meth using spree.”

Hornmafia: “Hey if we're not allowed to kick our friends in the balls every now and then who can we kick in the balls?”

12ozLongneck: “Fran was on College Football Live the other day. They asked him what it took to win the Big 12 South, which is more or less like asking me what it takes to organize a good supermodel orgy.”

Tamut98, on A&M claiming an intrasquad scrimmage as a win: “That's like jacking off and then bragging that you got some.”

U2-Horn: “Ask any woman between 28-38 years old and there's a 94% chance their favorite movie of all time is Pretty Woman or Princess Bride.”

UTwiz, on Aggies: “The fact that that institution and its branch davidians feel anything more than utter failure makes me want to throw up. I can't stress how much hate I feel inside my veins for them. Really, I'm shaking just typing this.”

12ozLongneck: “In spite of what some fans may think, we're not entitled to a national championship every year. However, I think that expecting that we not make Lane look like Jerry Rice on 3rd and 20 isn't asking too much.”

Makaveli: “Yes, I find the conversations I have with myself to be the most thought-provoking, entertaining, and intelligent communications I have on this site.”

Drew, on how to spend an ‘ice day’: “Another RT... you should see the look I got when I bought an 18-pack of beer at 8 am on a Monday morning.”

Makaveli, on the site record for users online at one time: “They were all lurking on ATC. Probably googling for answers to life's problems lead them to read my lonely rants.”

LMQueen, on the worst trip to Gruene… ever: “8 DPS officers with people pulled over on I-35 between Austin and San Marcos should have been sign for us to turn around and go home”

UTwiz, on what eventually became of the guy that played Corky in ‘Life Goes On’: “I talked to his best friend T.J. the other day, and he said he was doing fine. Just bought him some Jimmy Buffet tickets I believe.”

LMQueen, on being outnumbered: “Sharing a hotel room with 3 burping, farting and drunk boys can push me to my limits sometimes.”

HornMafia, on JT’s love life: “Got Britney when she wasn't as used as the sponge in your sink -----> Cameron Diaz, who isn't that great but probably taught him one or two things -----> Scarlett Johanssen ------> Jessica Biel ------> Scarlett Johanssen”

BevoisaSoxFan, offering Matt and Robbi advice for sight-seeing in NYC: “If you have a chance, swing by Yankee Stadium and drop a big fat deuce on it for me. Thanks!”

BevoisaSoxFan, on potential Mavs’ acquisitions: “If you trade for Shawn Kemp, do you get to retain the rights to his illegitimate children?”

UTwiz, after a month’s worth of showers: “Dang. Who is better at making it rain, God or PacMan?”

12ozLongneck, on what profession he won’t be pursuing: “I'd rather get after my privates with a cheese grater and then pour lemon juice on them than cold call.”

Reinheitsgebot, on God know’s what: “if you dont think tommorow will be a better day, then dont get the fuck out of bed and leave it to the rest of us. we'll handle it for you while you put some baby powder and meat tenderizier on your pussy. fuck you”

12ozLongneck: “I would like there to be a reality show where Benson, Mr. Peabody and Chay all live in a house together.”

BevoisaSoxFan: “I have to say that going to just the tailgate and not going to the game could be considered more fun. I especially enjoyed yelling at the girls in line for the port-o-potty asking them if they wanted to meet Pope.”

LMQueen, live from Vegas: “Drew tried to double down on 14. No comment.”

Beam,coke&horns, on people at work: “Is there anything more disgusting than going to wash your hands and having to stand next to someone brushing thier teeth? Dude, you get off in 4 hours- your teeth can handle the wait.”

12ozLongneck, on the Soulja Boy craze: “I'd be pretty pissed off if I was paying perfectly good money so that my kid could learn how to "Superman dat ho" or whatever the fuck they're doing.”

HornMafia, live from Stillwater: “I'm posting from a wireless connection at the Days Inn that is about as fast as Mark Mangino running the 100 meters.”

EDavis, on ATL Longhorn’s radio show: “If you can take calls during your show, you should supply us the number. I bet we could save the station with the things we would call in about.”

EDavis, on WFLIP’s thought about changing his hairdo: “Shave your head. It is the best thing I have ever done. Of course my hairline was receeding like the French troops at a play ground fight but I really do like it now!”

Phil Elliot: “A woman who wears any type of heel with a bikini looks like a whore. That's a really good reason why the Miss America pageant never did anything for me.”

Tamut98, on rec softball: “I came out of retirement for 1 game 3 years ago. Got a hit first time up, Thinking... Hey I can still do this!) Later in the game... Grounded out 3 the same inning!”

Scruffhorn: “I'd rather have Craig Way's life than the generic businessman life that I and probably several others on here have.”

Bucharest, after Barbaro was euthanized: “Who's up for a Glue Party???”

UTwiz, during Texas-A&M b-ball game: ‘Has there ever, EVER, in the HISTORY of basketball, been a bigger discrepency in talent from sub-in to sub-out as there was when Durant came back in for Atchley?”

UTwiz, on A&M rushing the court at Reed Arena after a *road* win over Kansas: “The entire essence of A&M is like an extension to high school, with a stronger ROTC program.”

Makaveli, after the same game: “That must have been the largest crowd to ever not attend a basketball game in Texas history.”

BarryBnds, responding to a thread named, “Larussa asleep at the wheel”: “Sorry I thought this was about the 1988/1990 World Series.”

HornMafia, to BarryBnds: “I really hope you contribute more to society than you do this board, because you would really be a worthless carbon-based lifeform.”

UTwiz: “Does anyone else ever picture a 12 year old Tim Duncan making the face he makes after every foul called on him - when his mom gets on to him for not taking out the trash or for the "B" in math? I mean, that look is not something that can be taught, you're either born with it or you're not.”

EDavis: “If I want the Nascar experience, I will tape some Hot Wheels to my ceiling fan and turn it on high.”

HornMafia, to UTwiz, after the Rangers lost on the latter’s birthday: “At least they got a hit on your birthday.”

Music City Mafia, one month into the Rangers’ 2007 campaign: “I like our new strategy for not losing. Pray for more rain.”

Bucharest, on the NBA MVP race: “Hakeem is to David Robinson what Vince is to Reggie Bush what Steve Nash is to Dirk......and I don't mean butt-buddies.”

12ozLongneck, on the prospects of blowing up the rangers: “Careful. I think Jon Daniels was probably the GM for the native americans when they traded Manhattan for some firewater and a few smallpox-infested blankets.”

Makaveli: “Stars have won just as many NBA titles as the Mavericks, and have a Stanley Cup to boot.”

12ozLongneck, after making a bad joke: “Yeah. I MusicCityMafia-ed the thread.”

Hornmafia, after Norv Turner was rumored to be the next Dallas coach: “Is there an emoticon for throwing up in your mouth a little bit?”

Makaveli, getting into it with Ben before the Super Bowl: “Please. Trent Dilfer is the Joe Montana of Rex Grossmans.”

Makaveli, getting into it with Ben after the Super Bowl: “Smooth pretty much has everything right. <tiny font> Other than the basic understanding of freedom, democracy, and capitalism, the purpose of government, the meaning of "life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness", matters of war & peace, the nature of our existence, and the evaluation of NFL Quarterbacks.... </tiny font>

Markaholic, on being like Pacman Jones: “Someday I want to do that at the tailgate. I'll just come in with $100 in donation money and "make it rain" all over the tip jar.”

OKC Longhorn, on potential pitfalls in the new Big 12 TV deal: “8:00 games= recipe for disaster. A lifeguard will need to be hired for piss creek.”

12ozLongneck, on Henry Melton’s DWI: “He could have gotten out of the ticket if he had run over the officer, but he tried to drive around him instead.”

HornMafia, after Dre Jones’ arrest: “I think we should stop using a "holier than thou" attitude until the Austin Police Department stops using our team picture as a lineup.”

Txlonghorn47: “Roy Williams is fucking awful. Seriously I would rather them just put Pope at saftey the rest of the year. I don't even care if Pope is 2 bottles in when the game starts, it can't be as bad as what is going on right now.”

Bucharest, referring to the Baylor coach that pissed on a Waco bar: “What are the chances of Jeremy falling on that bar this weekend in Waco?”

Drew, on the camera angle during the Baylor broadcast: “I have seen 25-30 games in Floyd Casey Stadium. I do not recall ever seeing a place that high up in the stadium. I'm pretty sure they are filming from atop the Alico building.”

Drew, on A&M’s “Cart McCry” moniker: “Whatever compassion I held for that school in November of 99, the part that didn't evaporate after fat-ass made the throat-slash gesture) has completely eroded. Ten bonfires could collapse and I would never again feel sorry for those low-rent bastards in B/CS.”

Good Calls!

OKC Longhorn, on Chris Moltisanti’s demise: “I say Tony Does it.”

Drew, after Dan Wheeler was traded in July: ‘The 08 Astros are going to look very different from the 07 Astros. I can't help thinking that may be a very good thing.”

HornMafia, on 1/31, quoting 11/21 Carlos Boozer prediction: “Boozer to miss 4-6 weeks.”

Drew, citing a USA Today college baseball preview: “Russell in the "more speed than power" camp? Have they seen him mash the ball?”

HornMafia, prior to the all-star game: “By the way, this should lock up MVP for Dirk...38-9 with a bunch on non All Stars on his team. WOW!”

Markaholic, prior to the Texas-A&M b-ball game: “I predict "one and done." Appropo for a season where two of our best players will leave for the NBA after just one season.”

EDavis, responding to Cory’s Suns-over-Mavs post: “I doubt you will even have a chance to play the Mavs in the playoffs.”

Txlonghorn47, prior to BCS title game: “Mark it down. Florida wins tonight.”

Markaholic, on John Chiles, during the spring: “Just having him in for one series will make Colt more effective on the ZR fake.”

Bucharest, on 11/5: “That Georgia-Hawaii matchup just made me throw up.....can you imagine what it must do to Sugar Bowl reps???”

UTwiz: “I'm just warning everyone - don't be surprised when JC declares after the bowl game.”

Need a Mulligan!

CHB Horn, after Bobby finally pops someone: “So... Bobby will get pinched with the DNA evidence from his shirt that the guy tore off him?”

Markaholic, on the Sopranos: “Should be an ugly ending. Somehow AJ will be involved, I think.”

Markaholic, on the Sopranos’ finale: “Tony escapes Phil, who is located and killed by the Soprano gang.... then Tony is knocked off by his own son.”

HornMafia, on the Sopranos’ finale: NJ kills Phil...feds, fearing the backlash from a full-scale mob war, crack down and arrest Tony.

MBK271, on the Sopranos’ finale: “Paulie betrays the family.”

Drew, after Dan Wheeler was traded in July: “Lamb and Loretta are likely to be shipped off before tomorrow's deadline, as their departure no longer leaves a huge hole at 3rd.”

HornMafia, immediately after the A&M loss: “Have fun in the fucking Alamo Bowl getting run over by Wisconsin or the Holiday Bowl getting run over by Arizona State.”

Reinheitsgebot, on Houston’s postseason chances, immediately after Craig Biggio’s 3000th hit: “if you think they are out of the playoffs, the consider yourself the casual observer.”

McKinney Horn, on a gift for the wife: “By the way, what the hell does 'coach' mean? She mentions it out of the side of her mouth and I'm thinking the Craig T. Nelson show back in the early 90's, right? She's got a DVD collection coming then. She'll be so excited, as much as I will be. Loved that show!”

Drew, prior to pulling a Kansas City Chiefs in two of three fantasy leagues: “I won all three games, scoring 90+ points in each one. Definitely a first for me.”

HornMafia: “I fucking hate Bill Belichick and his goddamn cheating ass dumb sweatshirt wearing breaking up a marriage son of a bitch. Come to Dallas and eat a shit sandwich October 14th asshole.”

Scruffhorn, on the Spurs: “It's a long season and it's only January, but right now I'm not optimistic.”

Markaholic, prior to the second Texas-A&M b-ball game: “I predict "one and done." Appropo for a season where two of our best players will leave for the NBA after just one season.”

Drew, prior to the NBA trade deadline: “When did SA last win? I saw them lose at the buzzer Friday night, and they lost today, too. They don't seem very good”

Silverado, after Game 2 against Golden State: “Not to speak for Dirk, but I'd take an NBA championship over all the MVP trophies.”

UTwiz, before the Silver Boot series began: “The biggest issue here is why are we all not betting all our 401k's on a Houston sweep? Those odds would pay huge, yet this feat is sure to happen.”

Drew, in May, on the Astros: “This team may not make the postseason, but if they keep up these late-inning rallies, they'll contend late into the season, and I'll keep watching.”

Music City Mafia, in May: “I don't see the Yankees making the playoffs. I see them hunting for a new GM before next season.”

AtlLonghorn, prior to the BCS title game: “I don't get where all this Florida love comes from. Chris Leak will throw at least one horrible interception that kills the Gators.”

Txlonghorn47, after the first day of spring ball: “I almost, I said almost, feel bad for Killabrew and Derry. They have been pretty good players here, but I just don't see how you can keep Muck and Kindle off the field this year. I would like to see Jared Norton get out there some too.”

Coryomfs, on Dallas signing Big: “Way overpaid for davis.....idiots”

Markaholic, in March: “Welker is a decent return guy, but a below average WR. To have to give away picks for him is just silly.”

Markaholic, on Greg Ellis, at the beginning of training camp: “You watch, he'll be gone the the first game in a trade.”

Txlonghorn47, on Greg Ellis, at the beginning of training camp: “IF he ever gets back on the field again I guarantee you he won't be a top 2-3 guy on the field coming off that injury.”

Bucharest, on Chip Brown’s preseason picks: “Love his prediction that OU loses at's like he's pulling shit out of a hat. However, it doesn't surprise me that he doesn't like our chances.....fucking Aggietown.”

Drew: “There is no "pattern" from last year. Last year was an abberation from the norm of... well, every year since 1999. If there is a pattern to be followed it's that we lose a game somewhere that we probably shouldn't and thus maybe miss the BCS or Big 12 title game.”

12ozLongneck: “Man... Sportswriters never get tired of picking Missouri to win the north, do they?”

Txlonghorn47: “Nebraska is going to be pretty damn good this year IMO.”

And she’s still hoping to get the ‘Carmella’ role should Matt ever finally follow up Spare Wars with The Spare-anos.

Blondie, on her favorite Christmas gift: “An envelope of cash. Seriously. I felt like I was at a mafia wedding or something. It was way cool!”

Just your typical day-in-the-life of one, Robert A. Frazier.

“Yeah, so I'm engaged, getting married on June 29 and planning that, NO, nobody is pregant, I'm moving tonight and tomorrow although I haven't packed a thing, moving again in 7 months, trying to survive tax season while other big things are changing in my business, got a dog who pisses and shits on everything it doesn't chew up, planning about half a dozen different business trips, vacations, honeymoon, etc, still trying to play my golf tournament schedule, hemmoraging cash to a degree previously unimaginable, and I've also lost nearly 30 lbs.”

Not to be out-done…

Markaholic, on his engagement: “Funny side note. I told her best friends earlier in the day and one of them got drunk and kept calling me all afternoon that day to find out more about the ring and what I was going to do and if I had already done it and so on. So I keep getting calls from her.

Amy NEVER asks "who was that?," but for some reason she did all day that day. I suck at lying so she knew something was up when I made up lame excuses for each call., we were in separate cars, but she saw me on the phone and later she saw my phone keep lighting up and me declining the calls)

Anyway she starts thinking that I'm having an affair. When I turned to her to start the proposal at dinner, she was scared that I was going to tell her the bad news and possibly break up with her.

Of course, I was nerve racked all evening and that made things worse.

So we both go from being stressed, freaked out and upset to elated, happy and in love.


Hallmark is considering legal action…

Bucharest: “F Valentine's Day......dumbest fucking "holiday" of the year. Let me see, go out and spend $150 on roses, then go wait 2 hours for dinner at a restaurant that you usually would wait less than 30.....then inevitably drink too much, stay out late and show up to work the next day with a killer hangover and nothing to show for it the next day because you passed out in your bed before your girl even made it there.”

This one, too…

Mr. Peabody, posts about his dinner on 2/15: “Last Night & Tonight - Malt O Meal. I love that stuff.”
Hornmafia: “Valentine's Dinner = Malt O Meal?”
Mr. Peabody: “Everyone at my house is sick with the flu except me., knock on wood)”
UTwiz: “Sounds like you knocked on your own wood . . .”

Happy Birthday… to me!

Drew: “I have the best employees, btw! They bought me an ice cream cake, two twelve packs and a six pack of Dos Equis, AND a handle of Tito's.”
EDavis: Psst: "we are taking up a collection for the bosses birthday present." "Oh, yeah what are we buying?" "Well, we are just going to go to the beer store and get some stuff...oh, and we may pick up a cake."

So Stacey is, or is not, a Transformers fan?

Eochs: “It was no cheesier then the original cartoons, its just that we are all 20 years older now. If you go into the movie expecting to have a good time and not questioning things the movie is great.”
UTwiz: “I think that was my wife's outlook when I first proposed to her . . .”

The Legend of Barrell Roll Jackson

“One evening Jay Jackson and company were on their way to see the greatness of Stoney Larue at Gater's in Gun Barrel City, TX. To everyone's demise, parking was full at Gater's and patrons were instructed to park in the field across the street. Most in the group thought, "Eh, no problem. It's a short walk." Jay quickly changed his mind when he saw the almost knee length grass that served as the alternate parking lot.

You see, Jay has an uncontrollable fear of snakes. The kind of fear and behavior that a woman has when she hears of a mouse or rat in the house. You know the type, jump up on a chair and not come down until the threat has been removed or exterminated.

Rather than stay in the car and miss the concert, Jay decides to make a run at it. And that he did. The high-stepping that was witnessed would make Mad-Dog Madden proud and embarrass those in practice this week at the 40 acres trying to maneuver their way through the rope drills. Quick feet doesn't quite describe it.

Jay was making impressive time across the field as the rest of the crew hung back to take their time and finish their beer during the walk. Suddenly, it all went wrong for Jackson.

"Oh, Shit!" was bellowed across the field as Jay appeared to go into some sort of barrel roll movement and vanished from sight. The group wasn't sure exactly what happened but the stop-down, belly-aching laughter that ensued indicated that they were sure it was going to be something classic.

Quickly, Jay appears as he hops up but noticeably lame. Jay hobbles to the sidewalk cursing those getting so much amusement out of his situation. The group approaches the area of the accident and finds the culprit.

A valley lays before them with dimensions of about 4 ft X 3 ft and about 3 ft deep.

The Stoney show, which was once the headliner, was now just the encore for what was already seen.”

But did you double-bag it?

Bevoisasoxfan: “I solicited a Moroccan prostitute once. I'm not very proud about that.”

Yes, yes she is…

Bucharest, on ‘Steak and a Blowjob’ Day: “My girlfriend has had this marked on her "Countdown" Widget, which is one of those cool desktop widget screen things they have for Macs, kind of like gadgets on Vista for us Windows folk. Anyway, the real moral of the story here.............she's like really cool and shit!!!!”

Chay was right last year…

Arch: “Time to discuss my bachelor party.

What would be the interest level if porn stars would be at the Red Sox - Rangers tailgate in Arlington on Saturday April 7th?

There is a SonsofSamHorn tailgate that is FoLM-friendly, plus a baseball game and then "activities" afterwards including the previously mentioned porn stars.

Just curious.”

Important commentary on “Nature v. Nurture.”

BevoisaSoxFan: “When it comes to massages, always stick with a broad. Even the slightest appearance of a chub while a dude is massaging you can put a thousand doubts in your mind. Cancel now!”

Important commentary on “Nature v. Nurture.” Part II

EDavis: “Good news. When I called to cancel I was told I would be charged a $20 cancellation fee. I agreed to pay the fee and the receptionist asked why I was cancelling. I explained to her that I am not comfortable getting a massage from a man to which she says, "Well, Dani is a woman." So obviousvly I didn't cancel and when I show up Dani is hot! I mean HOT! So to sum up Dani was hot!”

So his girlfriend may want to forget about gift cards to Lowe’s or Home Depot next birthday…

Bucharest: “Jesus, I guess I'm weird, but I have absolutely zero interest whatsover in learning how to build anything, fix anything, do anything with my car or anything that I could just as easily pay somebody else to do.”

Time to invest in Starbucks

Makaveli: “I usually drink...

a Quadruple Venti Expresso drink for Breakfast
a Triple Grande after Lunch...
and a Double Tall after dinner.

Throw in 2-3 cups of coffee during meetings through the day.

It allows me to sustain a pretty fast pace for a good 16-18 hours a day.

Of course there may be risks to my strategy. Who knows. It does work.”

12ozLongneck: “Holy. Fucking. Shit. You probably look like you have Parkinson's Disease by 9 AM.”

Remember that old cable access show, Cocktalk?

Drew: “Last night I was playng GHII.

I let my johnson hang out while I scored five stars on "Crazy on You."

Rock out with your motherfucking cock out.

I did.

And I fucking rule.

No one here can beat me.”

Makaveli: “Speaking of Johnsons, I just saw that Cialis commercial. It says that if you have an erection that lasts more than four hours, that you should see your doctor....because this could be a problem.

But what if it lasts exactly 4 hours. Or 3 1/2 hours. What is that like totally cool, no worries ???

If so that's good information to know. Otherwise I'd be likely to start panicking around the 20 minute mark.”

It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you…

BevoisaSoxFan, after failing to advance in the World Series of Pop Culture: “They had some pretty hard questions on there. The bright side was that Daniel Larusso's Gonna Fight did win the hearts of the audience during the talent show portion when we re-enacted the last scene of the Karate Kid. I was Johnny and I got my face kicked in by a short, fat Indian who played Daniel. It was awesome.”

But he was great in American Gangster…

Mr. Peabody, on the Oscars: “don't care about the rest of the categories. they are as meaningless as Denzel getting best actor for Training Day. What a f'ing joke.”
Hornmafia: “There are 3 posts on this board from Mr. Peabody about Denzel winning Best Actor for Training Day. And probably more before that on LFZ, when did he win BA for that?). He was really upset about this.”
12ozLongneck: “Mr. Peabody is obviously not full of Black History Month spirit.”
U2-Horn: “I'll bet he would give halle berry his golden statue”

Just in case you want to catch up on the episode you missed

AtlLonghorn: “these rules apply to every episode of every season of 24:

1) Never leave Jack alone with a henchman.

2) Women are nothing but trouble.


4) Computer nerds are meant to sit behind a computer and not do anything practical.

5) You can't trust anyone in CTU or the President's cabinet.

6) Jack Bauer is a bad ass.”

The “Come to Jesus” Meeting

MBK271: “The good news is that last night, while we were both wasted) I wrote down the three points of why I was pissed off, so I wouldn't forget during my rant) and I asked her this morning to tell me the three reasons that I was upset.

They were out of order, but she nailed all three.

Done. It's not the apology that I need, it's just for her to hear me so that I know that it won't happen again.”

Best pseudo-anecdote that could have been posted by Janet Cooke

Let me say that there is a certain individual that has become a regular when he is in town. Now, celebrities are nothing new to us, but this one does have an ever larger aura surrounding him. This particular person is... [picture of OJ Simpson]

Now, last night, he rolls in with a mini-entourage and things are slow but the alcohol is flowing. Cute blond girls flock to him as if he were a designer handbag.

For some reason, he takes a liking to me. I don't know what to think about that, but for now, I'll deal with it. We shoot the shit about everything from Dallas nightlife to the Buffalo Bills.

The night goes on and by this time, I think I have replaced AC Cowlings as his designated driver. Wanting to exit, we head for an elevator and as the doors close, we are the only two on there. You have that regular elevator "silence" that always occurs but I know that I have only 35 seconds I take the chance.

I give him a head nod and look him straight in the eye. I can see into his soul. This is my shot.

Hey man...did you do it?

There was a long pause. The elevator was quickly approaching the lobby. He looked at the ground. His head slowly rose. There was a look on his face of...relief.

He coughed one time, looked at me, and right as the doors opened, he says...

[Journey]Don't stop believin'...[/Journey]

Best conversation on the male anatomy

LMQueen: “I managed to live almost 29 years before learning of the double stream. Very odd phenomenon, imo.”
Tamut98: “Ever heard about shrinkage?”
‘Hornbybirth: “Shawna hates the clean up after a double stream event.”
Markaholic: “Does the double stream roll the opposite way when you are in Australia?”
Makaveli: “No laws of physics apply here. I think God just invented it ... To give us an excuse for pissing all over the floor.”

Best posting-equivalent of a “Come to Jesus” meeting

LMQueen: “If we have learned anything from terrorism, illness, random accidents , etc. it should be that you always take inventory of the people that are important to you in your life and make sure they always know they are important.

As a Cancer, I am an extremely loyal friend. I will go the distance to help someone or be there for them in their time of celebration and in their time of need. However, I will only invite you to so many events so many times without a response before I come to the conclusion that I am just not important enough to you for you to make time for me.

I am so f-ing sick of people who can't put whatever they have going on in their lives, and we are all *busy* people) aside for ONE night to come out and celebrate a milestone in a friend's life.

We haven't all been together as a group in a long long time and it is stupid that we should have to beg people to come out or even make an appearance. I am done. Matt's done. Done trying to maintain relationships/friendships that seem completely one sided. You can call us when you're ready to hang out again and we'll be happy to hear from you, but no more begging for your precious time.

This is definitely not directed at one person because it has been coming from multiple people for a long time.

So anyways, big thanks to all of you coming into town today and making the effort.”

Best anecdote involving a former Heisman winner

Markaholic: “Side note: I was having beers at the Shoal Creek Saloon and Earl was there about 3 years ago. His people left so we started talking to him and he invited us over to his table. He told me that he's been spending a lot of time at his Tyler ranch. Said he's going to "get me a bus", same one he used to park next to us) to drive him up there "cause that Al Queda...he says he's gonna bomb some more planes."
He truly thought that Al Queda was a person.”

Best introduction to neo-conservative thought

Makaveli: “I think an interesting argument could pick to pick one or the other:

1. Aim to Do nothing about radical islam and execute the plan to perfection.
2. Attempt to confront and defeat radical islam, but do it half-ass and inefficiently.

I'll choose 2.

I think another good question would be to choose the bigger threat to us:
1. Radical Islam
2. Carbon Dioxide

I choose 1.

I hear people talking about the year 2080 and first I wonder if we'll be here anyway...but there's a decent chance we're all dead anyway if we don't eliminate, radical) Islam.”

But was he also wearing jorts?

HornMafia: “So Robbi and I were returning from the mall last night and stopped at a traffic light.

We giggle at the bumper sticker on the late model Oldsmobile in front of us that says, "Support the BALLS".

Then it happened.

The guy busted out a can of hair spray and sprayed his mullet, then ran his fingers through his hair.

I almost missed the light turning green from laughing so hard.”

Best typical day in the life of Chay Jackson

“Realize that it is 76 degrees outside

Leave work at noon

Head straight to The Oasis

Sit out on the deck

Drink many Dos XX

Start talking about George's Bar

Realize that B Rheay has never been to George's Bar

Decide that it is a good idea to drive from Dallas to George's Bar so B Rheay can experience it

Make CD for drive to George's Bar

Dominate the jukebox at George's

5 hours, 8 Big O's, 2 orders of crazy wings, and a waitresses phone number later head back to Dallas

Stop at beer store in Elm Mott

Drive to random chicks house

Run shitty drunken creepy game on them

Come home only to realize I have twice as much to do tommorow because of what I did today

Look in mirror and realize that "racoon eyes" are already starting to form and it is only Feb 26

Today dominated. I felt like I was back in college”

Second Best typical day in the life of Chay Jackson

“I remember getting to Billy Bob's

I remember meeting up with Seth and Dean

I remember ordering a couple double whiskey and cokes

But that is it.

Dean or Seth y'all got any details I need to know? Like did I disgrace my family name or anything?”

Best typical day in the coaching life of Chay “Tark the Shark” Jackson

“Trailing by 5 with 3 minutes left one of my guards drives the lane and gets fouled. The guy who fouled him starts talking shit and gets T'ed up. So I'm picking who I want to shoot the technical when out of the corner of my eye I see a "ruckus". The guy who fouled my guy has now shoved my guy and said "fuck you". Well my guy hauls off and straight up jacks this guy in the face. I mean fucked the guy up. The dude is bleeding all over the place and trying to get after my guy. My guy who is prob my second best player is tossed from the game AND the league. The other guy is tossed from the game. So, I'm trying to get my guys back to the bench when the ref calls the game because he "lost control of the situation".

So I am 0-1 so far, but we were about to win that game. They had no answer for that 1 2 2 and we were finally getting hot on the offensive end.

Like I said earlier we need some work, and losing our second best player for the year prob isn't going to help anything.”

Best atypical day in the life of Chay Jackson, as imagined by Mark Stevenson

Markaholic: “OK, he was jogging by your gramma's yard. And you were just standing there. Did you stop him from jogging or did you just start running with him ala Rocky and chit chatted?

Most of the time when I'm jogging and I see someone I "went to HS with" I just give them a nod and finish my run. UNNNNless they jump out in front of me and say "Markaholic!...We went to HP together. What are you doing these days? thinking about going Pro-aholic?"”

Best typical day in the life of Seth Plunk, as recalled by Chay Jackson

“Dean and his roomate(I can't remember the guys name, so lets call him Bob) got into an argument about something. Well Dean kinda grabbed Bob by the face to get him to shut up. Well then Bobs friends kinda get mad and start trying to break them up. Well then Seth gets in the middle of it, and it turns into one huge shoving match with The Deans dad(aka Ditka) trying break everything up. Everyonf finally gets kinda seperated, but people are still talking shit, so Seth shoves one of these dudes pretty good. Well the guy hauls off and hits Seth in the mouth. Seth grabs him and kinda form tackles him onto the air hockey table and then punches the dude in the face. Then Ditka and The Dean get in there and pull them off of each other and all those guys leave.

All while I am standing in the kitchen still laughing a driking my beer. I'm sure some of y'all will prob say I should have jumped in there and helped out Seth, but it really happened too fast, and if it had gotten out of hand I would have helped him out.”

Best typical day in the life of Seth Plunk, as recalled by Seth Plunk

“I went to the San Diego zoo when I was out there for the second Rose Bowl. Eh, it was about as cool as a zoo can be. And they sold beer, so I was happy.”

Best typical day in the life of one of Chay’s friends

“Myron Morrow

This guy got detained by the cops at Kalf Fry, got out of it and then got detained again.

He then shows up at Flounders at 9 am wearing the same clothes he had on last night. Turns out he shacked with a sophmore.

He grabs a half empty bottle of Mad Dog that has been sitting out all night and hammers it

He doesn't shower of change clothes. He just rolls with us to the tailgate. He is drunk.

He yells at Cory Morrow.

He just now showed back up and Flounders becuase he has been passed out in a ditch on the side of the rode since 3 PM.

By the way just to clarify how cool he is. He is a pilot.”

Best PSA for CBS and against El Arroyo

HornMafia: “Golf on HDTV = near accident in my pants”
Music City Mafia: “Bad Mexican food washed down with pleny of Dos Equis and tequila last night = near accident in my pants.”

Best example of the FoLM’s affect on National public policy

BevoisaSoxFan: “Had to go to DC for work last week. Flew up on Sunday the 11th on Southwest from Austin to BWI. Sat next to none other than Under Secretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs, Karen Hughes. She could not have been nicer... so much so that she gave me a ride from BWI to my hotel in Washington! Very cool.”

Best frustrated rant about the hometown team

EDavis: “Dirk Sucks.

I am selling "Deport Dirk" shirts for $5 a piece if you want one let me know., not really but I bet I would make a killing)

Dirk should be the new spokesman for the SWA "Wanna get away" promotions....Scene: Dirk is handed the MVP award at a press conference and you hear "ding"..."Wanna get away?"

I am speaking with a lawyer today about suing the Mavericks organization for wasting at least 4 days of my life...I hear life is precious so I figure $4 mil should do it.

List of candidates I would trade Dirk for right now:
2 cans of Manwich sauce
Luke Walton
Adam Morrison
Chris Mullin
Shawn Kemp
20 piece garlic parmesean wings from wing stop
Mark McLemore

No matter how much it costs I would love to see KG here without Dirk.

Things that suck about Germany:
Stinky women
Dirk, Notice not in the athlete category)

Avery Johnson = overrated until further notice. Last year biggest flop in Finals history followed by this years first round exit biggest flop by a 67 win team.

Pretty sad when the guy with the most heart on your team is least he had some fire.

This team still sucks at Defense...last year was a fluke.

more to come....I am just getting started.”

And just think what he’ll do to solve some company’s IT problems in a few years…

MBK271: “You can't buy a six pack there. You buy it by the case. Dilemma. Resolved by buying a case of 8oz beers. Having to get up every 5 minutes for another beer sucks.”

I heard Mack Brown did the same thing in early December

Music City Mafia: “Years ago I had a boss that sent all of us department heads an invitation card that simply said "you are invited to a donkey roast. Bring your own ass."

Needless to say, it was not a pleasant meeting. Of course, he later got fired by exec's for incompetence.”

Best literary equivalence of Brad Lidge v. Albert Pujols in the 2005 NLCS

Blondie: “I heard that Kobayashi is retiring from the "sport" of competitive eating due to arthritis in his jaw... But I heard it on the Jeff Ward show, so who knows?”
OKC Longhorn: “Jaw arthritis? My wife has been using that same excuse for the last 8 years.”

Best representation by the FoLM at Minute Maid Park

Reinheitsgebot: “im at the astros game tonight, with more than half of the astros players called up from AAA

at some point i yell out "go horns go" instead of B-G-O

of course some a-hole feels the need to come over and mother fuck me in front of eveybody telling me how Texas will get housed on oct 6th

dont fuck with me after 7 24oz beers

he was lucky i didnt have a roll of quarters in my pocket

force is equal to MASS times acceleration”

Best alternative plan for retirement

BevoisaSoxFan: “I think that's why Sylvia and I plan to have just one. If natural childbirth is a no go, the fallback is to find a young Dominican boy who's left-handed and throws hard. I'd also take a young Brazilian boy from the slums of Rio who can juggle oranges with his feet.”

And don’t consult Duane Akina if you’re looking to prevent a pregnancy

Markaholic: “Luke is great at 11 months, but do we go for two?”
Drew, after the UCF game: “Whatever you decide, don't consult Mack's chart.”

Do they have MADD in Europe?

BevoisaSoxFan: “Driving in Spain at night while it´s raining after having a couple glasses of wine is NOT recommended.”

Best roadtrip rants, courtesy of HornMafia

“-- Got there and the guys behind us were doing the horns down and singing "I've Been Working on the Railroad" to "The Eyes of Texas". Great.

-- Fan behind us, in the 4th quarter: Ah, we're still ahead 14. We're good. Same fan, later: Ah, we're still up 7. Same fan, later: C'MON DEFENSE! Same fan, later: *crickets chirping*

-- Drew and I after the game: "Whose House?" "Visitor's House!"

-- Oklahoma State has the most high school program in D-1 football. Their band played fucking "Gold Digger" and "Welcome to the Jungle" and they're a big fan of piped in shitty rock music as well as having the "pom squad", or whatever the equivalent up there would be) on the field dancing to shitty techno music during timeouts. Then of course there is the whole "Oklahoma State FIRST DOWN" and "the visitors have the ball, 3rd down and 5". And Pistol Pete firing his cannon when Texas was about to snap the ball.

-- Fuck those bitches. We didn't feel one ounce of sympathy when we came back on their ass.

-- They didn't even have the decency to change the scoreboard at the end of the game. It said 35-35 for the longest, we heard later they changed it way after the game).

-- After the game, the assholes were speechless and they all had a glazed look on their face.

-- Welcome to the 7-5, bitch.

-- Robbs isn't feeling good so we're back in the Days Crack Whore Inn trying not to catch syphilis.”

Michael Corleone says you got off easy

‘Hornbybirth, on dropping the hammer at work: “I have also been on the delivering end. I even had to fire my own brother. That was difficult.”

Best PSA for hanging out with Chay

‘Hornbybirth: “For those of you that are wondering, Single men should always attend Chay's parties! There were several hot ass women there. From Barely Legal to MILF it was there to be had.

I myself am happily married to one that fits somewhere between so I was only monitoring the situation for those that weren't married.”

Best sartorial discussion of the year

Mr. Peabody: “Will those old style tight coaches shorts ever be back in style?”
Phil Elliot: “In general terms, everything comes around again. But I am still waiting on the return of the leisure suit, and that hasn't happened, so maybe it's not an absolute.”
Blondie: “Those are only in style when you are waiting up for your daughter to get home from a date... Intimidation factor.”
Mouthpiece: “Are you talking about the shorts that the coaches wore in Dazed and Confused? If so, I think there's a law that you must wear knee-high white socks with them.”

Conversation transcript of the year!

MBK271: “So Eric and I are sitting at the hockey game a couple of nights ago and the conversation went something like this:

E - That's messed up what happened at VT.
S - No shit. Crazy stuff.
E - I was on TexAgs and they were making it all about them. You know, saying how it brought back memories for them and stuff from the bonfire.
S - Weird. How many died at the bonfire?
E - Like 12.
S - Oh.

<10 second pause>

S - I wonder who the 12th man was?”

John Hart should be worried…

Txlonghorn47: “Horns get another run in the 4th 8-5 through 4.5. I guess when you are scroing like this then your pitching can suck.”
12ozLongneck: “And thus Chay was hired as the GM of the Texas Rangers.”

The legend of Face First Miri

Beam,coke,&horns:” Here is an email my buddy sent out. It is all true.

Disclaimer: The Events depicted below happened last night following the Texas Longhorn victory of the not try this at home.


By Britt Hardeman

The Great Race of 2007 started like any other great racing matchup, see also, Donovan Bailey V. Michael Johnson), following several pitchers of LoneStar in the beergarden of Sholz's and a double overtime win over the Aggies....

To preface, we must go back in time to earlier that evening. Jimmy and Big Len had been consuming at an ever increasing pace. Jimmy was actually quoted earlier in the night as telling Robert Killebrew that he could beat him in a 40 and that though he was a backup linebacker at Westlake, he STILL made all Cen-Tex. Big Len encouraged Killebrew to "just hit him in the face and shut him up". This only fueled the fire that was brewing inside your Jimmy Miri.

Later, at the halls of justice, Sholz's), Jimmy and Big Len's feud came to its apex. One thing led to another, someone was called a "freakin swimmer", someone claimed yet again to be a "former all centex backup linebacker who could run a 4.5 forty", we're still checking the runners bio's for accuracy). After several bets that Jimmy couldn't run a 4.5 "30" his rage was boiling. Big Len piped in that he could "smoke" Jimmy in a 40 yard dash without putting down his cigarette.

After some encouraging from the peanut gallery, me, Gilbert, and Fleming), the two alleged former athletes suited up and sat down their warm plastic cups of beer and and their pulled pork sandwiches and took their marks outside on the street adjacent to Sholz's. In the distance, you could actually here Seinfeld's voice saying "oh yeah, this is gonna turn out good".

The race started out with Big LEn getting a bit of a jump start. Jimmy quickly turned into high gear, relatively, just as they were passing Sholzs. About 11 yards into the 40 yard "dash" the fatigue/drunkenness/smoking habits kicked in and jumped on big lens back like an 8000 lbs gorilla carrying a school bus of Rosie O'Donnell's fan club....Seizing the moment, young Jimmy Miri reached deep within his Westlake soul repeating to himself "what would Ryan Nunez do" and started closing the gap. With his PakMail shirt tail flowing in the wind closely resembling a cape, the crowd of onlookers started cheering when it looked as though Jimmy was going to overtake the tiring Big Len. Jimmys stride was kickin and he was slicing through the warm evening air like a knife through butter. Though the lead had once looked insurmountable, Jimmy was resembling a floating AC Law/Danny White three pointer at the buzzer that deep down inside we all KNEW was going in.....

But alas, with about 15 yards to go, Jimmy's top-heavy physique was more than his 32yr frame could handle and his legs succumbed to the superfluous weight...As Big Len valiantly and jubilantly crossed the finish line, Jimmy was sliding face first into a sea of concrete. After sliding a good 9 yards, the beast that is Jimmy Miri finally came to its final resting place a good 7 yards from the finish line.

Though Jimmy gave a good effort, he left it all on the field....errr street. Including most of the skin off of his left forearm and hip.

As we cleaned Jimmy's wounds with warm beer and an extra bar towel that had been lying around Big Len was quoted as saying, while struggling to breath) "dude, I'm out".

He sparked up a smoke and he walked off into the darkness......”

That really got out of hand. Brick killed a guy with a trident

OKC Longhorn, after Texas held on to beat A&M Austin: “I think Jeremy goes on an actual killing spree if A&M scores that last tip due to Atchley looking at the bench and not boxing out his player.

Not cusssing and throwing shit......I think he acutally takes a life or two tonight.”

Best discussion about the merits of foregoing eligibility

Scruffhorn, on DJ Augustin’s announcement that he would return in 07/08: “TJ Ford and Vince Young kept saying they were returning also....”
UTwiz: “Not even remotely CLOSE to the same scenario. DJ is a top 15 pick, VY was a top 3. Fish/JR. I am much more optimistic about DJ coming back than I was Vince.”
Drew: “If we win the NC I'll worry about DJ changing his mind.”
Bucharest: “If we win the National Championship, they can all go pro for all I care.”
UTwiz: “Hell, if we win the national championship, I'LL go pro.”
‘Hornbybirth: “Hooker's on Harry Hines don't count as Professional!”

I told you so… or somesuch…

Hornmafia: “A little bit of background first.

A couple of weeks ago, on a drunken night playing Dominoes, sandwiched somewhere between Race in America talk and Why Didn't We Buy Tickets Earlier talk was a discussion on the 2007 Dallas Mavericks.

We were going along and young Sethery threw out this assertion:

"Devean George is more important to the team than Jerry Stackhouse."

Now you can make the argument that this might be the case, due to an increased defensive presence, NBA Finals experience, etc., but let's not forget that Jerry Stackhouse has won a scoring title in this league. But whatever, it's not that bad of a point.

Then came last night.

I told ya D George was more important than Stack.

So I looked at the box score from last night:

D George

9 minutes
1/4 shooting
2 rebounds
3 points
0 assists
0 steals

J Stackhouse

29 minutes
4/11 shooting
10 points
1 rebound
4 assists
1 steal
2 turnovers

<scratching head smiley>

Just thought it was an odd time to pull out your sword on that argument?”

Best rant about Bill Simmons

Drew, about to blow a gasket reading Simmons’ sheep bombard him with anti-Rick Barnes emails: “So... numbnuts gets emails from all these people that have watched about as much Texas basketball, if that much) as I have this year, without having watched as much the previous eight years, which of course included a Final Four and two Elite Eights), and now every 20-something fanboy with Page 2 bookmarked is racing each other to make bad pop culture references, which are still better than Simmons references) about a coach that isn't even close to being a tenth as bad as he says.

This is the same guy that calls Pete Carroll a horrible coach, too, just because he didn't win in the NFL.

See... that's the problem that you have when people that didn't go to a real school start trying to cover college athletics. Or even watch college athletics.

Or maybe the problem remains that he's a smarmy Yankee, who like all other Yankees, thinks he's smarter than everyone else. Either way Simmons has become a self-parody. It's too bad.”

Can I get an amen?

HornMafia: “The anticipation was too much.

You can hardly sleep the night before, and the morning of you just watch the clock waiting for that moment where you pack up the car and take off. The car can't seem to go fast enough as you make your way to your destination, and when you arrive your heart feels like it's going to beat right out of your chest.

You get out of the car and you're pretty sure you've never seen anything this beautiful in your whole life. As you approach the gate you can smell the culinary delights not found anywhere else, can hear the sounds of the reason you are here filtering through up to your ears. Someone declares that they have to go to the bathroom first and you slump your shoulders and silently tell them to hurry the hell up. Finally they are ready. You've been ready for 6 months.

As you walk up the ramp, you see the seats first, then the rigid wall, and then there it is...

That pristine grass.

It's baseball time in Texas.

Obviously as a kid I was way more excited for this day, but there is something about baseball that brings out the kid in all of us.

No matter if you are a fan of the Devil Rays or the Yankees, you feel that your team has a great chance at the World Series. Extreme optimism is a trait that's ingrained in every baseball fan, and every fan that walks out of the ballpark in defeat on opening day will tell you, "Hey, it's only one of 162."

Baseball is unlike any other sport in that you feel the presence of baseball's past no matter if you are in New York, Detroit, Arlington or San Diego. Of course if you sit in the stands at Yankee Stadium you can see at least a general idea of the batting box that legends like Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Joe Dimaggio and many, many others occupied at one time. But even in newer parks you can close your eyes and see Willie Mays making a basket catch, hear the bat and imagine Roger Maris and his chase for 61, or hear the pop in the catcher's mitt and imagine a Bob Gibson fastball whizzing 4 inches from a batter's head.

The game starts and you grab a beer, the one advantage of now as opposed to being a kid), and settle in for the contest, every care in your world melting away. At this moment you don't care about steroids, about labor negotiations, about your team's, realistic) pennant chances, you're just participating in the quinessential American experience...and you're a kid again.

At the end, you'll join the ranks filing out of the stadium, slowly shifting back from the kid to your adult state. Tomorrow, you go back to your job and your way of life. But you'll be back.

Because this was only one of 162.”

Rangers or Astros?

UTwiz: “Will somebody wake the bitch ass of a middle of the order up and inform them that these at-bats actually count?”


HornMafia: “There is plenty of Kinsler love to go around.

In a purely non-sexual way, of course.”

And the 1992-93 Temple Wildcat basketball team sighs

Txlonghorn47: “After 10 straight wins over the Owls they finally stole one last night.”
Phil Elliot: “It's hard to beat a team 11 times in a row.”
UTwiz: : Golden State is on their way to disproving that . . .”

Morbid thought of the year

UTwiz: “You know, it really is going to be a tight race for biggest collapse to end the season for most of our favorite teams this fiscal sports year

- Texas loses to KSU, A&M, at home), and then barely scrapes by a 6-6 Iowa team that didn't even deserve to go to a bowl in the first place

- Texas loses the last game of the season, up by 18 at one point) to lose the regular season crown, the Big 12 championship game that was there for the taking, then almost gets beat by a scrub ass team in the first round only to get embarrassed, and let's be honest, it was so bad, it's not fair to the word "embarrassed") by USC - all with the best freshman in 40 years and the best college player in 20

- the Mavericks will go out without as much as a peep to a team that only made the playoffs the last game of the season

- I won't even count the Stars since they weren't expected to fare as well as the three above .

Did winnig the national championship cost us selling our sports soul to the sports devil?”

Welcome to the family

BevoisaSoxFan: “I think Argentina could really hang 4 or 5 goals on us if they play their starters against our younger guys. Carlito Tevez and Messi will have a field day against an inexperienced defense.

Worst of all, my future Argentinean father-in-law will say we have "no cojones."
Then again, if we pull an upset and win he could fly into a rage and attack me in the "cojones". Tough call.”

Not perfect, but better than Jeanne Dixon

HornMafia, in January: “What might happen between now and September 1, 2007:

-- A NBA title may reside in Texas for the first time or again. YES

-- Tiger Woods may or may not have completed another Tiger Slam...or a Grand Slam. No

-- A Byron Nelson champion will be crowned in April, and the FoLM will crown a new Byron Nelson Drinking Champion.

-- Some of us might have new jobsYES, new kids, adopted from African countries) YES*, new citiesYES, new girlfriendsYES, come out of the closet.

-- LMFZ might have a new owner by then. NO

-- We'll already be sick of hearing about the 2008 presidential election.

-- The Cowboys might have a new coach YES, will have spent training camp in San Antonio and will have a new first round bust NO.

-- I could be living in a different place.

-- Chay and Arch will have worn their seersucker suits.

-- We'll have 60 days of 100 degree days under our belts. NO

-- Kevin Durant will be getting ready for training camp for his new NBA team. YES

-- One of the FoLM very well may have died at Arch's bachelor party.

-- We'll have defeated the BOFZ in flag football....again.

-- The Texas Rangers will have lost at least 70 games...again.

-- I will have drafted the future busts of the new NFL season for my fantasy team. YES

-- The FoLM will have spent approximately $9950.00 in bar tabs.

-- I will have spent $400 for crappy football tickets.” YES

A day that will live in infamy

Best Display of Tailgate-induced Drunkeness

Nominees: Jeremy falling in the creek, Pope coining the new tailgate catchphrase, Ernst chasing off the bum, Drew telling the KA's to clean up their shit, Ernest puking on the shower curtain, eligible since we just found out this year it was him), my brother doing keg stands

...and the Wheeler goes to: Seriously? Jeremy fell into piss creek. This is now the "Jeremy in Piss Creek Award."


UTwiz, on Wade Phillips’ hiring: “Here is what the Cowboys needed this off season:

a. A head coach that this team, both players AND fans) can rally around, who can breath new life into this thing before we waste all of these pro bowlers' careers

b. An offensive coordinator who can not only cut through defensives, but develop Tony R. into a HOF'er

c. A defensive guru who can take a talented defense that underachieves and take them to the next level, focussing on getting pressure on the QB

Initial thought is that we only received ONE out of the three. One. And it was letter C.


So did ticket prices bottom out at halftime?

Markaholic: “Apparently Texas/TCU is a hot ticket. People on OB's talking about paying $200/seat. One guy said it's supposedly the 50th most expensive ticket this year in college football.

They are preseason #22. That makes them higher than everyone else we play with the exception of OU and Nebraska. This should be our third hardest game of the year.

Looking like a much tougher W than when originally announced.

Get yer tickets now!”

Txlonghorn47: “A tougher W? Why just beacuse the seats are going for $200 a game.”
Bucharest: “If those ticket prices hit $300, we're totally screwed.”

Best idea of the year that unfortunately didn’t materialize

Hornmafia: “The Whataburger Fundraiser goes like this:

-- The participant, Eric) has to stay in a Whataburger of his choice for 24 hours.

-- There will be a base rate, $300-500, we haven't agreed upon that yet)....with a certain percentage going towards Eric and the rest going to the trailer.

-- Eric, and the tailgate) gets another monetary sum when he performs certain functions, including taking orders behind the counter, cleaning the bathrooms, cooking burgers, etc.

-- We'll of course have members of this board and LMFZ Tailgate friends contribute money towards the cause.

-- We should probably come up with a donation that Eric has to make if he gets thrown out before the 24 hours expires.

-- We should probably come up with a lump sum if any news crews go to Whataburger to show Eric.”

Drew: “And he has to live blog it.”

EDavis: “Some of the notable side bets were:

Order/taste at least one of everything on the menu.
Play the same song on the jukebox 10-15 times in a row, bonus if I can get staff to sing with me)
Take a counter order.
Take a drive through order.
Clean the bathroom.
Cook my own meal.
Refill the ice machines.
Take out the trash.
Clean the tables.
Refill all ketchup packets.”


Makaveli: “Let me just jump in here and say this.

It's certainly possible that we just played a bad game. In fact that is far more likely than the alternative which says Texas and Ark State are nearly equal football teams.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 11:00 pm
by 'Hornbybirth
That is pure genius, Drew. I commend you for being the taskmaster in keeping up with those posts/ convesations.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 11:08 pm
by Mr. Peabody
Good Grief.

that took some serious research time.

good going!

I will do what I did at the conclusion of "The Wicked" play that I attended this summer and yell BRAVO....BRAVO....BRAVO.

I embarrassed everyone with me b/c everyone around me turned and looked at me as if I was an idiot. I didn't care. When you witness a good play you always yell BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO at the top of your lungs. Everyone is supposed to know that.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 11:20 pm
by txlonghorn47

=D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 12:02 am
by HornMafia



2007 will not be complete without a re-telling of the Seth/Gorilla story.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 8:48 am
by Markaholic
Wow Drew! Greatness! I didn't know how many times my predictions were wrong! Amazing!

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:18 am
by BevoisaSoxFan
We can be a hysterical bunch sometimes.

Thanks for going to the effort of doing this Drew!

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:22 am
by edavis3
Good stuff! Thanks for the memories!

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:57 am
by OKC Longhorn
Great job, Drew!!!!!

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:59 am
by Drew Corleone
I couldn't find it, matt, though I did find several posts alluding to it.

BTW... we apparently have a character limit, so the final few posts were omitted... here they are:


Makaveli: “Let me just jump in here and say this.

It's certainly possible that we just played a bad game. In fact that is far more likely than the alternative which says Texas and Ark State are nearly equal football teams.

What I find disturbing is not a close win in the opener.

What bothers me is that the excuses are prepackaged -- Prepared in advance like Democratic Party talking points.

So what is Mack doing this week, after he gets through recruiting, and writing personal letters to Lloyd Carr and others).... Is he compiling the stat sheets and going over the talking points, making sure that everyone knows the excuses in case we get beat ?

It sure seems like that's what he does. It's that softness that bothers me. It is likely contagious. In fact I think we usually win almost every game in spite of it.”

Best personal attack of the year

Smooth Longhorn: “No offense, bull, and I think it is widely known that I am one of the most politically-correct individuals on here), but go f**k yourself. If I want a Crimson-colored assessment of the team that I live and die with I'd post on a Sooners board, and I only use "Sooners board" right now out of respect to Peabody and Barry, lest it would be "Land-thiefs and Cheaters"

While I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule of paying your own players to evaluate your rivals that have kicked your ass for the past 2 years, I suggest you spend more time dissecting why your team choked on an engagement ring in a BCS Bowl game against a WACk team.

You just concentrate on getting Corky and the rest of the Life Goes On crew ready for October 6th, and we'll worry about our linebackers, thank you very ******* much.

Again, no disrespect meant, I understand that your only using 3.2% of your brain up there....Smooth”

Possibly the greatest thing ever posted on this site

Stonie Clark, via Drew: “As a 17 year old freshman, I remember guys like Lance Gunn and Peter Gardere standing up in the locker room talking about how big a rivalry Oklahoma was for 'us'. They talked about fans throwing things at you and spitting on you. Little old ladies talking like sailors and giving the horns down sign two inches from your face. I remember thinking, "I just want to play some football. Make a name for myself and these rivalries belong to the school, not me." By my junior year at UT, I was as much a part of this rivalry game in my heart and soul as any Longhorn before me and was about to become associated with it for the rest of my life.

1994. Cotton Bowl. Red River Rivalry. 17-10 Texas. 4th and Goal. Ball on the Texas 1 yard line. I had heard the stories of Peter the Great. Cash, with the one handed touchdown catch. Bubba Jacques scooping up a fumble and returning it for a touchdown in a tight TX-OU game. When the center snapped the ball, their line zone blocked right. It was we refer to as a misdirection play. I was able to see Thompson handing the ball to James Allen on a statue of liberty play. Immediately I changed direction and headed toward the ball carrier. My teammate, Robert Reed had forced James Allen back inside and as he reached for the endzone, I hit him. It was a trainwreck. That God for making me a train. I rolled about 340 at the time and being run over was never a concern of mine. In some of the pictues of the play, my feet were actually in the endzone when I made contact.The hit was pure and the celebration started.

Cotton Spryer. Peter the Great. Bubba Jacques. Kerry Cash... Stonie Clark.

We all see Oklahoma has some vulnerabilities, and hopefully this week our coaching staff was able to identify some of those and put together a game plan that puts our guys in a position to win. That's all that can really be asked of the coaching staff. The rest has to be the guys wanting to be great. Wanting to be remembered. Have they dreamed and visualized making plays in this game? Do they want it so badly that the tears stream from their faces as they walk down the tunnel? Are they screaming inside because of the liquid fire running through their veins and up their spine? Folks, I save exaggerations for more important things like penis size and what age I actually was when I started losing my hair. This is real. This is TX-OU.”


Mr. Peabody, on AD’s career day: “He had 361 all-purpose yards today. 3rd best game in NFL history. Doesn't get any better than that.”
HornMafia: “Apparently two people did better than that.”

Best drunk post made immediately after a 4th quarter comeback win

Bucharest: “wow, just wow!!!! Maybe I'm just drunk(and by "maybe" I mean I'm writing this this in the bathroom I just puked in), but I'm willing to forgive the obvious in a win like that, and mostly due to the previously non-existent guts it took to make that happen!!!

On a side note, if I as gay, I would bang the shit out of Ryan Bailey.....I'm just sayin'???”

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:18 am
by HornMafia
Here it is, buried in the Photo of the Day thread.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:35 am
by MBK271
=D> =D> =D>


PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:49 am
by Drew Corleone
How did you link to a specific post?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 11:08 am
by HornMafia
Drew Corleone wrote:How did you link to a specific post?

I actually just did a "read all posts" on MBK271, going back before June 20th when I found a reference to the gorilla incident.

And just clicking on that gave me that.

But actually if you look at the date at the top of an individual post, and click on the little Image, the address above starts with that post.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 12:21 pm
by Drew Corleone
How did I not notice that? Thanks!

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:05 pm
by BarryBnds
Did OKCLonghorn ever tell the story of the bitch that got mediflighted out of the OU tailgate I took him too?

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:11 pm
by 'Hornbybirth
BarryBnds wrote:Did OKCLonghorn ever tell the story of the bitch that got mediflighted out of the OU tailgate I took him too?

Did he break her ankle too? :shock:

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:17 pm
by Bucharest
Drew Corleone wrote:Best drunk post made immediately after a 4th quarter comeback win

Bucharest: “wow, just wow!!!! Maybe I'm just drunk(and by "maybe" I mean I'm writing this this in the bathroom I just puked in), but I'm willing to forgive the obvious in a win like that, and mostly due to the previously non-existent guts it took to make that happen!!!

On a side note, if I as gay, I would bang the shit out of Ryan Bailey.....I'm just sayin'???”

CRAP........F'ING iPhones!!!!


Awesome work Drew, some funny stuff in there......not to mention, I'd like to personally thank you for getting me through a slow Friday afternoon as I finally read this entire thread., so I can only imagine how much work it took to post.

Thanks. =D>

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:21 pm
by Drew Corleone
About 12 f'ing hours. I almost quit after trufging through ATC... but the real hell was the LFZ Memorial Sports Talk board... do you know how many Mavericks posts I has to endure?

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:23 pm
by Bucharest
Dude, I would have shot myself after the 12,000th Ticket Drop!!!!

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:25 pm
by UTwiz
That theory cannot be proven.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:26 pm
by Bucharest

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 9:46 pm
by BarryBnds
'Hornbybirth wrote:
BarryBnds wrote:Did OKCLonghorn ever tell the story of the bitch that got mediflighted out of the OU tailgate I took him too?

Did he break her ankle too? :shock:

If he did he was doing it to the wrong part of her body.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 12:27 am
by bullmarket
Frankly Drew that was brilliant!!!

Its great to know thank I made your best and worst list.........

Best personal attack of the year

Smooth Longhorn: “No offense, bull, and I think it is widely known that I am one of the most politically-correct individuals on here), but go f**k yourself. If I want a Crimson-colored assessment of the team that I live and die with I'd post on a Sooners board, and I only use "Sooners board" right now out of respect to Peabody and Barry, lest it would be "Land-thiefs and Cheaters"

While I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule of paying your own players to evaluate your rivals that have kicked your ass for the past 2 years, I suggest you spend more time dissecting why your team choked on an engagement ring in a BCS Bowl game against a WACk team.

You just concentrate on getting Corky and the rest of the Life Goes On crew ready for October 6th, and we'll worry about our linebackers, thank you very ******* much.

Again, no disrespect meant, I understand that your only using 3.2% of your brain up there....Smooth”

Thanks for the memory.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 1:55 am
by OrangeMargarita
Oh that's something that shouldn't be read when you don't want to wake anyone up. It was sooo hard not to laugh out loud! Great stuff!!