The 2009 LMFZ Hall of Fame (Parts I and II)

[Drew Corleone]

Before you ask... I spent some time on the 2008 version while I was unemployed, but never completed it... I may post what I had anyway.

This year was much easier, because of the low volume of actual posts (it took me less than three hours to re-visit almost every 2009 non-sports thread).

Part II coming as soon as I get a chance to go through the sports forums.

Quotables
Silverado, on Mark’s idea to change the site’s name: “We'll leave the f-offs to Drew. He does them so well.”
HornMafia, on a free JIB tacos coupon: “I saw that this morning and thought, damn if someone can't afford a dollar they don't need to be eating fast food for lunch.”
12ozLongneck, on an increasing volume of nose hairs: “Fear not.. I'm already there. If I'm not careful, it looks like there's a giant squid trying to liberate itself from my nostril.”
HornMafia, on Hollywood’s political leanings: “They should have just had Harvey Milk boning a cowboy in a tent and could have gotten best picture for it, too.”
BevoisaSoxFan, on the year’s most morbid stretch: “Lost in this whole death trifecta is the fact that Ed McMahon once again takes a back seat. Move on down to make some room on the couch, Ed...”

Best Career Advice
“The hot spots right now are in ponzi schemes and bailouts for failed business models.
Perhaps you could start your own deal. Just make sure it doesn't work. Failure = Much more lucrative.”
-Makaveli, to Drew

Bridging the gap for racial Harmony, 2009 Edition
“Happy Texas Independence Day and f those stupid motherfuckers from MEChA that make it impossible for Texas Independence Day to be celebrated on UT's campus. If it weren't for Texas being part of the US, they'd all be working at the Austin, Mexico Ford plant for a nickel a day. They can EABOD and DIAF.”
-12ozLongneck

Restaurant Review of the Year
“Burgers: Undercooked.

Service: Slow as shit

Ambiance: Excellent

Other: I think my server spent a half hour fucking the old bag next door

Overall: I got food poisoning and missed the US Open”
-Drew

The Proper Way to Turn Down a Job
12ozLongneck: “I met with a recruiter from a different place today. What's a polite way to say "I don't think you have my best interests at heart and I don't really want to have anything further to do with you or your company?"
[utl=http://www.lmfanzone.com/viewtopic.php?p=173894#p173894]UTwiz[/url]: “I'm fairly confident that the polite way is to say it exactly like that, but then add "with baked potatah's." That'll clarify the position, but in a "I kinda respect him for voicing his opinion" kind of way.”

So long to a friend
“This is a farewell post. Farewell to money, free time, sleep, cuss words in the house, room in top portion of the dishwasher. 95% of Saturdays in Austin in the fall.
This week's sign that the apocalypse is upon us:
I'm going to be a dad.
Stace is around 9 weeks or so. We have had the first sonogram, have heard the heartbeat, and have been told that things couldn't be any better. Stace is having the typical first-trimester, um, issues. Apparently small snacks are supposed to help with the nausea, so we have about 11 different kinds of crackers stocked all around the house, cars, purse, her office, my office, and I am even thinking about putting a stash at the mail box, just in case.
Due date is the 25th of March, which obviously means I've scouted out local hospitals that have flat screens in their rooms so that a long day at the hospital could also be a long day watching the tourney. We attempted (and succeeded, oddly enough) to have a baby around this time of year for a few reasons: because we love spring bdays, so that Stace wouldn't be doing the most intense pregnancy time (3rd trimester) in the Texas heat, and it also works perfectly with her time off allowance as a elementary school counselor (she gets six weeks off plus any sick days she has accumluated, so that puts us at almost the end of the school year before she would have to think about going back to school).
Lots of emotions. Certainly too many to power you people down with. But all of them positive. I'm very grateful that I have had my parents as a template to parenthood. While I am not yet aware of how difficult it is to raise a child, I can tell you that (despite my wheels not always being attached) my parents were extremely good at it. I only hope it is 1/10 as easy as they made it look.
Anyhow, that's the story. I did not wish to grandstand, as there is a thin line between telling someone the score of the game and pointing to the scoreboard. What I can tell you is that I am really looking forward to hanging out with each of you this football season. It will certainly not be my last, but I would imagine that we will bury idiot boy in '09. Hopefully we can conduct the eulogy in Pasadena. Until then, there is a lot of hanging out on 18th and San Jac to do.”
-UTwiz

Best usage of a cell phone
“Me: why was my phone on the dresser and not in my shorts?
wife: I was looking to see if you had cigs. BTW, did you pee on the floor last night and wipe it with my PJ bottoms?”
-beam,coke,&horns

That’s what you think
“I should clarify that this shouldn't impact my job - I don't think, anyway - but losing a chunk of income like that isn't good headed into what will likely be an expensive stretch (Kristina's b-day, Vegas, Byron Nelson)”
-Drew, on a mandatory furlough week, six months before losing his job.

Best non-sequitor involving urinals and Facebook
“So last year we talked about brushing your teeth in community sinks. My new one is this dude that sits by me. Everytime he takes a piss he puts his forearm above his head on the wall to hold him up. Not even Ron Jeremy needs help supporting the wieght of his junk..Drives me crazy.
Oh yea, if you don't have an update for your facebook. Dont just put Joe Blow is. Thats f'n stupid.”
-beam,coke,&horns

Best commentary on the current state of professional baseball in Texas
Kevin: Last night I had a dream that the Rangers were in the World Series. I was trying to watch Game 1 at a dive bar situated at the top of Reunion Tower, but could not because Reunion Tower was being attacked by a 500 foot tall living statue of JR Ewing made entirely of gold.
Jeremy: “What's funny is that typically the least likely occurrence in that scenario would be the Rangers going to the World Series . . .”

The Lord works in mysterious ways
“I'm house sitting this weekend for my little sister who lives in the thriving metropolis known as Deer Park just south east of Houston. I got up this monring and found a church to attend online.
So, I head down to the church and pull into a pew. Just after my entrance, a black family came and sat behind me. I was really pleased b/c I never understood why church is so segregated. Whites go here and blacks go here. Why is that still the case? Aren't we over that by now?
Anyway, I was glad to see it. Besides, all the verbal confirmations to anything the preacher says makes me smile. I'm glad he's enjoying his worship time. So we go through a couple of songs and the music minister gets up to welcome everyone to the service. That's when it happened. The gentleman had forgotten to turn his cell phone off. And I meand it is loud! Everyone stops listening to the welcome and turns around to see the culprit who is sitting right behind me and all I could do was laugh and try to hold back the tears hilarity. What was so funny about a cell phone distracting worshipers? Cause the ring tone blasted:
"We sittin' here, I supposed to be franchise player and we in here talkin bout practice..." followed by the now infamous remix.
I'm just glad that he turned it off before it got to "How the hell can I make my teammates better by practice!?"
Great. Ness.
For the next few minutes all I could think about was getting home to tell Jeremy what happened.”
-Seth, on everyone’s favorite YouTube video of the Summer

Um, too much stuff here to quote everyone

We were wondering the same thing
“Just for clarification you will see any movie just because it has Werewolf, Blood Scorpion, or Return of the... in the title but you won't eat something just because of the name?”
BarryBnds, on Peabody’s aversion to the McRib.

[BevoisaSoxFan]

LOL.. Already some funny shit on here. Thanks for doing this Drew. It's a favorite.

[HornMafia]

[12ozLongneck]

If I run for Congress in 2010, it looks like I'll have to find a way to win without the Hispanic vote.

[Drew Corleone]

And... Part II

More Quotables

Bucharest, on the rumor that Roberto Alomar has AIDS: “Well it says here that he WAS a switch hitter, so there you go???”
Tamut98, after initial pictures of the new DKR turf surfaced: “Not quite ready to crap just yet but...I have a turtle head though...”
TheDean176, on whether or not Erin Andrew’s nekkid tape showed pubes: “Let me watch it 13-14 more times and I'll get back to you.”
BevoisaSoxFan, on Chay bringing six broads to the first game, but only five of them being hot: “Give the banged up one to Pope. He won't know the difference by 5pm.”

Ummm… because Tiger is obviously getting some nurnur?
Mr. Peabody, in a January thread applauding the return of golf and baseball: “I'm ready to see the return of Tiger Tebow.”
UTwiz: “Not sure that is a fair comparison to Tiger, but ok . . .”

You’re GD right it does!
“Pitching + defense = Omaha!”
-BevoisaSoxFan, after Brandon Workman’s no-hitter elevated Texas to 9-0.

2008/09 Texas Basketball in a Nutshell
UTwiz, during an eventual Texas win over Baylor: “I've counted 9 lay ups missed in 24 minutes. And just to qualify that, most teams don't get 9 lay ups attempts in a 2 game period, and if they do, they probably go 8/9. Frustration, thy name is Texas basketball.”
HornMafia: “I watched Burn After Reading instead.”
UTwiz: “Then you had a worse night than I did, and I did my taxes and lit myself on fire after the game.”
HornMafia: “Sigh”
UTwiz, after Kansas State beat Texas: “Gutless. This team is the Burn After Reading of basketball teams.”
12ozLongneck, after Missouri beat Texas: “What the fuck was that??????”
HornMafia: “Seriously, you could have put me, Jeremy, Chay, Kevin and Drew on the court for that last minute and it wouldn't have gone any worse.”
12ozLongneck, after Texas A&M beat Texas: “Boy. I'm glad I rushed home from class to watch this.”

Best Jinx/Seth dis of the year
HornMafia, blaming Drew for jinxing Tim Wakefield’s no-no bid: “The Drew Jinx is just as strong as the Seth Jinx.”
UTwiz: “The Seth Store called. They're all out of you.”

Best exchange regarding the possible existence of Tupac Shakur
Makaveli, after a Tupac look-alike was sighted at an NBA game and at a club: There are 3 possibilities:
1. That guy is seriously wealthy OR 2. That guy is a complete idiot OR 3. That guy is Tupac.”
Bucharest: “I would argue that if #3 is true, then so are #'s 1 and 2.”

Best characterization of A&M’s second-rate athletic program
“Ha.... A&M is getting their shit pushed in. On the bright side, they did get their first national title in a mens' sport (golf) since 1939. Way to go, A&M. We'll see you in 2079.”
-12ozLongneck, during the NCAA baseball tourney

Ahem…
“We all need to make a priority of being at the bowl game next year since weddings/ children and all of that stuff will be in the rear view.
I'm just sayin'...”
-Hornbybirth, after the Fiesta Bowl

Two out of three, it seems…
“We have 2 tickets in the 2nd row of thenew chairbacks in the NEZ. Matt and drew sat there last year, pretty good seats. The donation is $1500. Tix this year are $375. So that is $2250 total money in for the seats. If i was to scalp, I assume I could get in to all games except Tech for $50 a ticket. Face for Tech is $95, so lets say those tickets will cost $150. Thats $700 for all th home games, plus probably $300 to go to OU. So now im at $1k for tickets. However, if we make it to the champ game i could get those at face, wheras scalping a pair will probably be close to $1k.
There is a convience factor though when it comes to parking passes, end zone club passes and always knowing where I am sitting. How accurate are my assumptions on scalping prices for Tech, OU, and MNC game?”
-beam,coke,&horns

FIFY of the Year
AtlLonghorn:

Haley would stroll up to an unsuspecting (49er) teammate, whip out his phallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Players initially laughed it off…

But Haley refused to stop. He would jerk off in the locker room, in the trainer’s room. He’d wrap his hand around his penis, turn toward a Joe Montana or John Taylor, and bellow, ‘You know you wanna suck this!’

”Charles used to beat off in meetings while talking graphically about other players’ wives. It got to the point of ejaculation.”

Bucharest:

Jeremy would stroll up to an unsuspecting (LMFZ) tailgater, whip out his phallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Matt and Drew initially laughed it off…

But Jeremy refused to stop. He would jerk off in the port-o-can, underneath the food tent. He’d wrap his hand around his penis, turn toward Chay or Eric, and bellow, ‘You know you wanna suck this!’

”Jeremy used to beat off near the tip jar while talking graphically about other tailgaters’ fruity pina colada drinks. It got to the point of ejaculation, where do you think he got the name UTWiz?”

Best post from February that could have been made this week

“If Tech fires Leach… ...I'm going to laugh my ass off at Tech for the rest of my existence.
You're fucking Tech. Wake up and realize this, and realize that having Mike Leach at Tech is like Bon Jovi playing Homecoming.
Or fire him and go 4-8 next year. I don't give a shit. Why the fuck do schools think they are better than what they are?”
-HornMafia

Best Recruiting Round-Up of the Year
“These people have signed letters of intent to kill their livers at 18th and San Jacinto this year:

Matt Craig, beer drinker, Austin
Drew Fox, beer drinker, Austin
Jeremy Rodriguez, beer drinker/washers, Plano
Chay Jackson, champagne swigger, Midlothian
Denim "Aqua Man" Jentzen, Titos & Lemonade, Damn Near Oklahoma

Still waiting on others.”
-HornMafia, on National Signing Day

Tailgate-related post of the year
“Please direct the coroner and police to this thread when they find my lifeless body in the creek on a Sunday morning. But see if you can work it out so that Stacey thinks I passed rescuing babies and puppies from a burning building. Just have Brian throw me in the pit for an hour before shipping me back to Dallas.”
-Jeremy

Best commentary on having to go…
Bucharest, referring to his post-UTEP shenanigans: “Confession: I sat down to pee when I finally stumbled home on Saturday/Sunday.....pure necessity.”
txlonghorn47: “I sat down to pee Sunday morning. I was really hung over and swaying. I figured Clint would be pissed if I pissed all over his floor.”
UTwiz: “Sometimes I sit down and try and draw the #2 offsides so that it comes on my terms - not its own. Rarely works, but all it costs me is a time out.”

Best Nelson Muntz post
“Hey... Do you guys remember that time when Mr. Peabody made a post making fun of Colt McCoy and then Colt went 3 -1 against OU?”
-12ozLongneck, after someone bumped a 2006 thread of Peabody bashing Colt McCoy

Post (and road trip) of the year!

“So let me just start by saying that I know I will leave some details out of this story that others will be able to fill in (especially funny quotes and such) but I wanted to attempt to capture how I ended up in Stillwater this weekend.

I am sitting at home Friday night about 11 and I send Matt what seemed to be a harmless text “love the unis.” See I was watching the Mavs dominate the Lakers and I was commenting on how much I liked one of the new uniforms they are sporting this season. Within about a minute my phone rang and it was Matt. Our conversation went something like this:

Eric: “What’s up dude?”
Matt: “What’s the score I’m not at a place where I can watch the game right now.”
Eric: “We are up by 12 and looking really good” (The Mavs talk went on for a few minutes. This was not out of the ordinary at all as Matt and I talk all the time during Mavs games) so back to the conversation.
Matt: “So guess where I am”
Eric: “Waxahachie? Terrell?”
Matt: “Temple”
Eric: “Temple? Why?”
Matt: “We are going to Stillwater”
Eric: “What? Are you serious?”
Drew: “F#@& yeah we are serious” Followed by random cheering
Eric: “Wow, you guys aren’t going to get there until like 4 AM”
Matt: “Yeah I know but it’s too late now”
Eric: “So when did yall decide this?”
Matt: “Well we went to happy hour and while I was in the bathroom, Drew and Robbi came up with this plan and presented it to me upon my return. Long story short, I went to happy hour and now I am headed to Stillwater.”
Eric: “So yall are in Temple right now?”
Matt: “Yeah”
Eric: “So are yall going to pick me up when you come through Waxahachie?”
Matt: “Yeah if you want us to” More random cheering in the background and laughter.
Eric: “So I have a little over an hour to decide and get ready”
Matt: “Yeah”
Eric: “OK, I will call you back.”
Matt: “OK”
Eric: “Later”

10 minutes pass and I send Matt the following text…”I’m in”….he replies…”Nice”

So first order of business I need to go talk to my wife. (notice I have already committed) So I go into our bedroom where she is sound asleep. I sit on the edge of the bed and nudge her….”Are you awake?” No response. “Hey, can you hear me? I think I am going to go to Stillwater tonight.” I hear mumbles but nothing really audible. So I decide to put this conversation on hold for the minute and go start packing a bag. Thinking if she sees I am serious she won’t care as much when we have this conversation in 30 minutes.

So I go about our room quietly grabbing all the essentials and orange clothes I can with limited lighting. I am going through a mental checklist in my head “toothbrush, don’t forget phone charger, grab your belt,) and then it hit me…I can add value to this trip. So I step out of the bedroom and call Matt:

Matt: “What’s up?”
Eric: “ Where are yall now?”
Matt: “Just went through Waco”
Eric: “So who is all going again?”
Matt: “Well right now, it’s us 4 and maybe Kevin”
Eric: “Oh Kevin’s going? Sweet! Hey I was thinking that if yall wanted to switch cars once yall got here we could take my wife’s Yukon XL. It may give us more room that will come in handy later.”
Matt: “That may not be a bad idea”
Eric: “OK, let me go see what I can do and I will call you back”
Matt: “OK cool”
Eric: “later”

So now I have to go wake up my wife and tell her I am going and that we are taking her car. I walk into the bedroom and sit on the side of the bed again and just stare at her sound asleep. I get up, turn around, walk out of the room, call Matt:

Matt: “Hello”
Eric: “OK we can take it”
Matt: “Sweet”
Eric: “I need to go gas up and run to the bank for some cash, yall call me when you get close.”
Matt: “OK, we will”
Eric: “later”

So I go to the car and open the door to climb in when I notice that both of my sons car seats are in the car. Piss, I need to get those out sense Seth is not going. (Just kidding Seth, but that thought really did cross my mind) So I take the car seats out and bring them in and sit them in the kitchen floor. I go back out to the car and take off on my errands. I get done running around town and I send Matt the following text…..”OK ready to go, gased up and pumped. Yall call me when you get to mile marker 390.”

So I start going through the house making sure I haven’t forgotten anything and packing some last minute items. I am taking stuff out to the car when I get a text from Matt saying…”We are in Italy” which is about 15 minutes away. I picked up the phone and called Matt:

Matt: “Hello”
Eric: “Yall call me when you exit 287.”
Matt: “OK”
Eric: “You are only about 15 minutes away.”
Matt: “OK cool.”
Eric: “Later”

So as I am going back through the house I know I am forgetting something….what is it….oh yeah, my wife still doesn’t know I am leaving. They are 15 minutes away, I am packed, have her car stripped of car seats, gased up and ready to go and she has no idea any of this is going on. So I walk back to our bedroom and as I am approaching her side of the bed, I made a decision….I don’t want to wake her up where she will be pissed. I know she is going to be pissed so I might as well let her get a full nights sleep. So what do I do? I go to the kitchen, take $60 out of my wallet, and place it under a note that says “Love you, call me in the morning and I will explain where I am, no worries I am OK!”

WTF was I doing? I was going to the F’ing game, that’s what I was doing. Then my phone rings, it was Matt:

Matt: “Hey man we just exited”
Eric: “OK cool, so take the 2nd exit off 287.…” (Just directions to my house)
Matt: “So what did your wife say about all of this?”
Eric: “Well, we need to talk about that”
Drew and Matt: “BWAHHHAAAWHAAA”
Matt: “Uh oh”
Eric: “Yeah, I just left her a note”
Matt and Drew: “BHWAHHHEAWAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAHHWANAAWA”
Eric: “Yeah I know, I am f’d in the morning, but in the morning I will be in Stillwater”
Matt: “You are freaking crazy”
Eric: “Yeah I know but we can worry about that tomorrow.”
We stayed on the phone and I guided him to my back driveway. When they pulled up Matt and Drew got out smiling and shaking their heads saying “this is crazy” and “I can’t believe your wife doesn’t know.”

I told them that we needed to act fast so we started transferring all of their luggage from their car to ours. Robbi was passed out in the car and Matt went to wake her up. She sat up in the car, turned her head to the right and the first thing she saw was me, smiling. “Eric Davis? Are you going with us? Is he going too?”

We all busted out laughing!!! It was the beginning of a wonderful weekend. I will write more later but right now I have some honey do’s to attend to that I really need to get done!!

I had a great time everyone!

Hook ‘em Horns!!!”

-edavis3

[edavis3]

Post of the year honors!!! To this day, this decision is still brought up in almost every fight.

[12ozLongneck]

You're not in college anymore.